


Numbing The Pain For Awhile Will Make it Worse When You Finally Feel it.

by FennecFoundaPencil



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Brotherly Bonding, Grief/Mourning, Loss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:55:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27550363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FennecFoundaPencil/pseuds/FennecFoundaPencil
Summary: Dean contemplates what they've lost
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 13





	Numbing The Pain For Awhile Will Make it Worse When You Finally Feel it.

**Author's Note:**

> this is really sad, honestly it's more my way of coping with cas's death myself than anything admabkwjdajbkk.

Everything felt so far away, detached. Even the pounding of his own heart sounded foreign to Dean’s ears. They’d done it. They were by all means, free, in every sense of the word. Not only that, Jack had gotten himself enough mojo to do whatever he very well pleased. End world hunger, cure cancer. He at the moment had no interest in doing much of anything, but Dean could only hope they’d see or hear from him again eventually. Life could allow him that much. 

Time slowed as they drove back to the bunker, seemed to freeze the moment his bedroom door shut behind him. Dean stared blankly at the bed before him, then slumped to the floor, allowing his head to fall back against the wood. The eerie silence that had filled his mind since Cas’s death remained, halting any and all thoughts of what there was even to do next. Dean ran a hand down his face, lungs constricting in his chest. 

Cas would never get to experience this freedom with them. 

With him. 

“FUCK!” Dean slammed his fist into the cement floor, letting out a slur of curses at the pain that quickly shot up his arm at the impact. Red blossomed along his knuckles, a dull throb beginning to set in under his skin. No doubt it would bruise. 

His room seemed so empty, the bunker seemed so empty. Just him and Sam. Years ago just him and Sam would have been enough, now it felt like there was this big void between them. This missing piece. The hunter clenched and unclenched his self inflicted injured fist. The pain was a stark reminder that unlike many of his hunter counterparts, he was still here. Still alive. Alive. Alive. Did that even mean anything anymore? Heaven, hell, purgatory, none of that was really death, just relocation. 

Cas was  _ dead. Gone. Forever.  _

“Fuck, fuck, shit,” Dean let out a weary laugh, curling up where he sat. “Cas-you’re, fuck, you’re such a fucking idiot,” The hunter could feel his eyes begin to water, a feeling he’d normally push away like his life depended on it, but not now. No one could see him anyways. No one was listening in. They’d made sure of that. “What were you thinking? Leaving- you coulda told us we would’ve, we could’ve helped you I-“ 

Dean swallowed. 

“I could’ve helped you,”

His empty room provided no response and it’s brick walls offered no sympathy. 

“Jack’s happy, probably won’t see him ever again but-know he’s happy,” Dean closed his eyes. “Are _ you  _ happy?” 

He’d seemed happy before he passed, content.  _ Love.  _ Was that the reason? He saved Dean’s life at the cost of his own…but, he was happy. Dean couldn’t fathom the idea of someone loving him enough to be  _ happy  _ to die for him. A knock sounded on Dean’s door and the man looked up, quickly wiping the tears from his cheeks.

“Dean?” Sam asked, cautious. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, just peachy Sammy,” Dean grumbled. He pushed himself up off the floor and opened his door for Sam. His brother leveled him carefully, a plastic bag hanging from his elbow. “Go shopping?”

“I just,” Sam silenced before he shrugged and opened the bag to show Dean the pie and ice cream he’d gotten at the store. Dean stared blankly at the offering then choked on a laugh. 

“I’m not going through a breakup Sammy,”

“I’d say the situations close enough,”

Dean sighed, weary. Slowly things began to solidify, settle into place. He took the ice cream Sam had gotten from the bag and looked it over as he walked with him down the hall. It felt pleasantly cold in his hands. 

“It’s back to just the two of us,” Dean commented idly.

Sam nodded. 

“It’s back to the basics,”

“The simple life,”

“Are you relieved?”

Dean stopped. Relieved? In a way he was, no more angels, no more gods, just monsters and demons and beer. Yet, there was something stronger than that prickling under his skin. 

“I’m gonna miss it, the complicated bits,” Dean admitted. Sam shook his head.

“You only say that because you miss the complicated people,” 

Dean tightened his hold on the tub of ice cream he was holding. “We’re not going there,”

Sam held up his hands in surrender. “Whatever you say man, I miss them too though, I don’t think I’ve even fully processed that-“

“Sam,”

His brother stopped, frowning. “Yeah, okay,”

Dean nodded. “They’re gone, that’s the end of it,”

“We’re allowed to mourn, you’re allowed to mourn,”

Was he? He was at fault for so many of the lives they lost. He barely had the right to be upset. He opened his mouth to tell Sam as much when a completely different set of words came tumbling out instead. 

“Cas said he loved me,”

Sam blinked. “And? Of course he loved you, we’re family-“

“No, no, Sam, he said he  _ loved  _ me,”

Sam’s eyes widened. “Oh,”

“Yeah,”

“And you…”

“And I what Sam?”

Sam shifted where he stood, eyes focusing on adjusting the cuffs of his shirt instead of Dean. “You...feel the same way?”

Dean choked. “I, I don’t- I never even-“

“It’s fine if you do-or well did, it’s-“

“I’m not gay-“

“I know-“

“I mean-“

The brothers both went silent, Dean’s face a bright crimson. He grumbled under his breath about being saddled with a nosey brother before leaving for the kitchen. Sam internally chastised himself for his timing while he stalled to follow after. 

Dean needed time, hell Sam needed time. If anything Dean realizing he liked Cas may send him into even worse of a stupor. Cutting him out of his thoughts was the buzz of Sam’s phone in his pocket. He tugged it out and checked the caller, a hunter down in Texas. He answered and lifted the phone to his ear, weary.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“I’ve found a case, could use a hand, a…” 

**Author's Note:**

> yup


End file.
